Dr. Albert Abrams : The Dynamizer

Abrams invented a machine, called the "dynamizer," that could, based on a single drop of blood from a patient or even a signature, determine not only the illnesses with which the patient was afflicted, but the patient's age, sex, race, and even religion! Abrams derived these fascinating medical and personal insights by simply placing the blood or handwriting sample in the dynamizer, which was connected by means of an electrode to the forehead of a healthy male lab assistant, who stood stripped to the waist, facing West, under dim lighting conditions. The dynamizer was switched on, and Abrams percussed the abdomen of his lab assistant, interpreting the vibratory patterns this produced into his diagnosis and personality profile.

Again, the medical community was skeptical of Abrams, but this didn't stop him from amassing an even larger following of patients and practitioners. Imagine their delight when Abrams introduced them to yet another device, the "occiloclast," which could painlessly cure the diseases the dynamizer diagnosed! By emitting electronic vibrations that precisely matched the "electronic vibration frequency" of the diseases a patient had, the occiloclast was able to effectively "shatter" the diseases and make the person healthy again! And what's more, for an extra fee this remarkable process could even be done over the phone! Thousands of Abrams practitioners were soon paying considerable sums of money to lease these remarkable devices, so that they could heal thousands more patients eager to forsake stodgy old modern medicine for the painless and wonderfully high-tech Abrams techniques. As one might expect, Abrams became very, very rich.

The cracks were soon to form, however, as the medical community was not at all pleased to see Abrams' wacky theory enjoying such popularity. Skeptical doctors sent Abrams a variety of blood samples that were purported to be from human patients, but were in reality taken from a variety of animals. Thus, a sheep was diagnosed as suffering from hereditary syphilis, and an 11-week-old rooster was diagnosed with a sinus infection and bad teeth. Another case was diagnosed as "general cancer and tuberculosis of the genito-urinary tract." Clearly, something was not quite right about the Abrams method.